It was an idea that was born during a corporate staff meeting, by a simple copy boy with a dream to change the world. That dream developed into a full-scale project that included some of the greatest minds in the automotive world, from designers to engineers, and from countries as varied as America and the United States. These experts were gathered from all parts of the globe, sequestered into a small cabin in northern Minnesota, without food or water, with only one task – List the “Top Ten Ugliest Cars from 2010.” In the end, tragedy would strike our small group when it was learned that designers and engineers choose not to thrive without food and water for extended periods of time, and eventually try to eat the simple copy boy. The result is this list, a life’s work so to speak, from those that gave their lives for your reading enjoyment.
The Mother of all ugly cars – The Pontiac Aztek2010 Nissan Juke – The mother of all ugly cars. The mere sight of this vehicle caused two of our team members to instantly go blind…a fact that made their participation in the rest of the list very difficult. This car is Pontiac Aztek ugly, with more weird body lines than a morbidly obese woman doing yoga. This car looks like Pumba the Warthog, from the Lion King. Simply replace those hideous rally inspired lights with tusks, and start humming Hakuna Matata, and you will see what I mean. The Nissan Joke is an atrociously designed, oddly proportioned sports crossover, which means that it is both useless on or off the road. I have seen things uglier than this, but I have always had to pay admission for the privilege.
2010 Lincoln MKT – For some reason, the people at Ford decided to eliminate Mercury, and then put foolish Cheshire cat grins on each of their vehicles. The car has the baleen smile of a Right whale (look it up), and the odd styling of a fat minivan. Lincoln, which has always had a huge segment of the limousine/livery market, is trying to convince the public that this will replace the aging Town Car. It will not work, and the entire segment will be owned by Cadillac. This is an ugly SUV, disguised as a bloated minivan. To describe the rear end, our group was reminded of hugely obese women in short skirts – hearses – and hugely obese women in hearses…this caused many nightmares. Sadly, neither image is popular in today’s marketplace. Lincoln is doomed.
2010 Acura ZDX – Here is a company that can be proud of its vehicles, its sales, and its image of upscale sporty Japanese cars. However, the designers at Acura wanted more…they wanted huge can openers on the grille. They, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make the nose of each car twice as big, and then paint it with zinc oxide like some Baywatch lifeguard. When this was finished, they said to themselves “We can still do more…” and thus, they created the newest illegitimate child of the automotive world, the 4-door Sports CUV Coupe segment. This new segment lacks the ground clearance, cargo capacity, or ability for off-roading of an SUV; as well as the passenger capacity, head clearance, performance, comfort or style of a sedan. It lacks everything needed for a usable vehicle, and does it in a shape that reminded our group of a suppository, or a turtle (they were pretty loose by then). It is form without function, and has less rear seat room than a Mazda RX8, assuming someone could duck low enough to sit in back. This is what you get when you let a 28-year-old woman design a car.
2010 Mitsubishi Eclipse – This car has always tried hard to look cool, like the kids who flip the collars of their polo shirts, or wear trendy black clothes. Despite its efforts, it will always remain a cheap impersonation of a true sports car, and an overweight wanna-be. The latest version reminded the group of a bagel…though they were pretty hungry by then. Anywho, it is a bulbous mess, and the new grill gives it the surprised look of a blow up doll.
2010 Jeep Compass – This car was one of the first picks for our group of experts. They were sure that Jeep had re-hired all the AMC/Nash designers, and created an Airflyte for the 21st century (remember, these are experts, and they will make obscure references). In the spirit of the Pontiac Aztek, the Compass designers worked in teams, one each for the front and back, but never communicated. Loaded with plastic, the car looks cheap, and the wheels look too small. It made the group very sad…much like the lack of food and water.
2010 Mazda Speed 3 – By the time the group considered this vehicle, they were desperately sad. One view of the nose on this car changed all that, and they laughed and laughed. From the side, the nose just hangs out in space, made worse by the lack of a tail. Crowned by an air scoop that resembles a wart, and the now-standard Mazda “Maniacal Clown” face, it is the perfect car for Halloween. Afterwards, it took a lot of Thorazine to calm down the experts.
2010 Toyota FJ Cruiser – This vehicle is like a cartoon version of the old Land Cruiser. It is stubby and boxy, and it’s rounded nose and upright windshield makes it look like something SAAB would have built, if they did enough drugs. The suicide doors, rubber interior, and white roof make it one of the oddest vehicles ever made by Toyota, and our group of experts decided it would make a perfect military vehicle in Toontown. Of course, they were doing a lot of nitrous oxide by this time…
2010 Cadillac CTS Coupe – “Ass, Ass, Ass.” There is nothing else to this car, except for a huge, titanic ass. Our experts could not fathom who had told Cadillac that “fat” was a good look for a sports coupe, and could not find a single thing good with this design. In fact, every time the CTS Coupe was brought up for discussion, all anyone would do is scream “Ass, Ass, Ass.” Everything about this car is wrong, and to me, it looks like a sneaker, but it did make them all giggle like school girls.
2010 Honda Element – This is a regular on every ugly car list, and I threw it in for effect. Basically, it is a washing machine on wheels, slathered in plastic and ugly from every angle. The plastic panels on the body make it look like its being shipped somewhere. The experts were forming a revolt by this point, so I did this one myself.
2010 Porsche Panamera 4 – This was the hardest car for our group of experts to evaluate. By now, they were busy going in and out of consciousness, and whining about being thirsty. Three had tried to escape earlier in the day, so I knew that the Panamera had to be addressed quickly. Eventually, our experts were able to contact the police, and it was decided that the car looked like a microwaved Porsche 911, and that it was wrong to keep people locked in a remote cabin for 60 days.
Barring legal issues brought on by our “treatment” of the panel of experts, we will try to redo this list every year. Let me know if they missed anything you consider hideous, and I can try to “invite” them all out to the cabin for more deliberations.
Article courtesy of Chris Raymond
Photos courtesy of Google Images