Buying a used car? Don’t make another move until you’ve read these handy tips from Chris on Cars contributor and noted used car buyer, Dave Saraiva.  (disclaimer: implementation of these tips may result in ridicule, incarceration, and possibly death)

  • Be sure to tell the dealer that you absolutely must purchase something that day or your mother will not be able to get to her dialysis treatments. This will make him feel sorry for you and give you a huge discount on the car.
  • When searching craigslist for a car, remember that the more exclamation points a posting contains, the better the car is.

  • The best way to look like a savvy car buyer is to open the hood and ask if it’s a V6 or a V8. If he says ‘V8’ whistle and say ‘nice’. If he says V6, call him a faggot and punch him in the dick
  • If you see a dead body in the trunk, that’s a good sign that there’s ample trunk space.
  • No matter what the asking price is, always offer something lower. This is a clever negotiating tactic that will force the dealer to lower the price to what he planned on selling it for all along.

  • If the check engine light is on, be sure to have the dealer smash it so it turns off
  • If the dealer has the word “crazy” in front of his name, he is probably a veteran suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome and you should offer him double the asking price out of sympathy
  • Be creative in your negotiating tactics. For instance, tell the owner he can bang your sister if he agrees to throw in a free oil change.
  • Always act disappointed when you’re checking out a car, no matter how nice it is. For instance, if a car doesn’t have a hot tub in the back, shake your head and say ‘no hot tub’ then start crying

  • Many of the “great deals” you find on the internet turn out to be scams. In order to identify whether it’s a scam or not, send a check. If the car doesn’t come, it’s a scam
  • Most dealers will tell you their cars were driven by “little old ladies.” You can verify this by checking to see if the car smells like death.

  • A good way to reduce the asking price of a car is to sneak onto the lot at night and set it on fire
  • When dealing with private owners, always play dumb by trying to drive the car from the passenger seat
  • Most dealers will provide a minimum 30 day warrantee on all used cars. Be careful though. It does not cover damage from ramming your car into the side of your girlfriend’s house over and over while drunk. (take my word for it)

Article Courtesy of Dave Saraiva