I was just spending some time checking out the competition, when I realized something amazing…I don’t care anymore. Lately, reading car sites seems as pointless as sticking up for Obama. Sure, in your heart you really want to, but the drain in actually performing the act is intolerable. I have to do it, if only so that I know that my own site is “different” from all the others.
In order to make this as painless as possible, I have categorized all the websites with a number, which rates how much I want to pull out my fingernails. Sites like Motor Trend rate a ten, which means my fingers start to bleed even before I see the page. So far, there are only about eight sites that rate a 1, meaning I enjoy and understand them. These are the sites that have unique and interesting content. They have writing that is intelligent, pictures that are amazing, and are all very rare in the world of automotive websites. I display the list in my Preferred Websites section, and I read them every week.
However, today I am going to have a little fun ripping on the “most popular” auto websites on the internet. Of course, I know this is a bad idea, and one day when I am bigger, I will pay for this act of treason. Fortunately, according to my stats, that day won’t come around for another 400 years.
Jalopnik – What the hell, am I really that old? This is written in some combination of slang, and Mayan, where the target audience is 9-year-old rich white kids, who are way too self absorbed and cool to even read the site. With sections like #carpocolypse, #planelopnik, #ifeelgassy, and #nicepriceorcrackpipe, I have no idea what the hell they are saying. The whole site is like the mother from “Precious,” mean and crazy, but you still feel a need to try to understand. Today, it had a shot of a parking garage, with the text: “the two towers look like corn cobs and have crazy parking garages.” It’s like Beavis bought a website and is now writing about cars. The problem is that they get ten gazillion hits a second, which is more than Google, AOL, Yahoo, and Hot Grannies with Guns combined. This is a perfect example of a corporation trying to look cool, just read the quotes:
–“NBC used to describe Thursday night as Must See TV because it was a ratings powerhouse. Today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe AMX is described as a Must See AMC, and its 390 V8 is stronger than any Thursday night.” Or, “If your name’s Irwin, you might want to steer clear of today’s Nice Price or Crack Pipe Corvette. For everybody else, this well preserved throwback to the ‘70s offers vintage t-topping, but will the price make you feel its sting?” OMG, STOP, PLEASE STOP!!!
Motor Trend – This old war horse first appeared in 1949, the same year our Secretary of Defense took a dive from a 16th story window; the same year Germany, Jordan, Bhutan, NATO, The Peoples Republic of China and Israel were established; and the same year Rick Ocaseck was born. That is a long time ago. TV wasn’t even around yet, and cars were just slow lumps of iron. The site looks like its been around since the Truman Doctrine, and it focuses on bland cars and bland writing. I would tell you more, but instead I decided to shoot myself in the eye with a pencil. Before I blinded myself, I compared it to AARP, and was surprised to find out that the AARP site was much more interesting, and the people in the photos look much younger. Check them out Motor Trend and AARP, click on the magazine and tell me which is better.
Top Speed – Their slogan is no boring cars, but the front page gives me information on JD Power Quality rankings (OMG LOL, ROFL), The VW Jetta Hybrid (Hybrid, that means its both alien and human), and the Nissan Juke which is selling like hotcakes in Japan (How in hell do Japanese people even know what a hotcake is?). No boring cars here, just bland writing and washed out stupid pictures. The owner, creator,and master there wants to “build the biggest online community of speed enthusiasts,” and his chief car writer loves computer more than anything else. Hmm, I wonder who uses the most ADD medication in the group.
There are more bad sites, including the ones who are updated every 15 calendar years, and the 50 million Russian sites dedicated to fake Lamborghini’s. However, there are important things going on in the world today, so I must find a way to spend my time better than in the world of banality. Check out my list of Preferred sites, you will be impressed with their unique look at cars. They don’t play cool, they are cool.
Photos courtesy of Motor Trend, Jalopnik, Greenwala, Just a Car Guy